Photograph-Illustration: Adam Mazur
For the previous few years, Jenny Hagel and her colleagues at Late Evening With Seth Meyers have been “fortunately but additionally sadly” working remotely — “sadly as a result of I miss my colleagues, and fortunately as a result of now my laundry’s all the time completed,” says Hagel. The pliability is beneficial; between writing for Meyers and internet hosting a month-to-month comedy present at Union Corridor through which she offers viewers members recommendation — aptly referred to as Jenny Hagel Provides Recommendation — and season Liberty tickets for this coming spring, she’s received her fingers comparatively full. She spent final week bouncing round Brooklyn between excellent cups of espresso, streetside empanadas, and lots of, many purse snacks.
Sunday, February 9
There’s one form of one who everybody hates, and I’m that form of particular person: A morning particular person. I get up day-after-day at an hour you don’t even wish to learn about it. And the very first thing I do is make myself precisely one cup of espresso. I make it day-after-day on the identical time, in the identical approach, with an air of formality and reverence usually reserved for a priest performing the Consecration. First, I boil water in an electrical kettle. Then I pour somewhat half-and-half into my mug (as a result of life is simply too quick for something with much less fats content material). After which, lastly, I pull out a tool referred to as the Melitta 1-Cup Pour-Over Espresso Brew Cone. This gadget is a miracle. You’ve heard of the printing press? This gadget is like that, however extra vital. The Melitta 1-Cup Pour-Over Espresso Brew Cone will not be fancy. It’s not lovely to take a look at. It’s not constituted of handblown glass with a modern Scandinavian design aesthetic. It’s an unattractive lump of plastic that retails for $4.99. If you happen to see one in actual life, you’ll assume, How the hell does espresso come out of THAT? Nevertheless it does. And it’s the most effective espresso that’s ever been coffee-d.
Two information about me are: (1) I’ve an 11-year-old son, and (2) I’m divorced, so my son spends a part of his time at his different mother’s home. I’m mentioning this now in order that, as this diary proceeds, you don’t examine me traipsing in regards to the metropolis and assume, Whereas all that is occurring, who the hell is taking good care of her child?
Once I’m stuffed with caffeine, I textual content my good friend Tali. Certainly one of her children may be very sick, so I provide to take the opposite — her 10-year-old, Harriet — off her fingers for somewhat bit. I do that to provide my good friend a break. But in addition? I do it as a result of Harriet is pleasant, and hanging out along with her for a day feels like a blast.
First, we head to the Apple retailer as a result of my telephone is dying. The brand new iPhone is available in 4 pastel colours, and I let Harriet select. “The pink one is absolutely brilliant,” she says, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. “Do you want brilliant colours or extra delicate colours?” “Extra delicate colours,” I reply. “It’s best to go together with the teal,” she says. She’s proper, and I do.
Parked exterior the Apple Retailer in downtown Brooklyn is a meals truck referred to as Cesar’s Empanadas. This truck is all the time there, and the empanadas are all the time excellent. (Empanadas are my favourite meals, and I’ve eaten extra of them than I’m prepared to confess to you — or to my physician.) I order a beef empanada and eat it proper there on the sidewalk, straight out of the bag, as God supposed. Harriet declines politely and eats a Luna bar from her backpack as a substitute. We now have each made good decisions.
No ladies’ day is full with out manicures, so subsequent, we head to a nail salon. Harriet runs into three completely different folks she is aware of on the salon. I run into zero folks I do know. I ponder quietly if it’s bizarre that my social circle is smaller than a 10-year-old’s.
As soon as our nails are dry, we head to Toyo Ramen Bar, as a result of it’s chilly exterior — the form of chilly that makes you wish to eat soup out of a bowl the dimensions of your head. Fortunately, that’s precisely the dimensions of bowl that Toyo gives. We cut up an order of steamed pork bao, and I get a bowl of rooster wonton ramen. We speak about vital issues like what books we’re studying and the way Harriet feels about beginning center college subsequent 12 months. I add kimchi to my ramen as a result of there isn’t any scenario that has not been improved by kimchi.
I drop Harriet off at her home and head dwelling. The Tremendous Bowl tonight, and I solely care about it a really tiny bit. So as a substitute of going to a Tremendous Bowl occasion, I watch it alone at dwelling beneath a large blanket.
The night time earlier than, my good friend Trina invited me to an “American Meals Get together,” the place everybody introduced a type of corny casseroles that comes from a Campbell’s cookbook. The menu included a green-bean casserole with crunchy onions, a squash casserole made with a complete stick of butter, and a number of rooster pot pies. Everybody thought it was very humorous till all of us took our first bites — after which it was not humorous in any respect as a result of every of these dishes was FIRE. The host despatched me dwelling with a bunch of leftovers, and I eat them whereas watching grownup males sort out one another for cash.
Monday, February 10
At the moment is stuffed with 1,000,000 tiny, tedious duties. Once you’re little, grown-ups speak to you about how someday you’ll go to school and have a job and lift a household. They don’t inform you that, in between these issues, your life can be stuffed with an infinite to-do record that by no means will get shorter. And that record is not going to be stuffed with the form of thrilling to-dos that you just think about grown-ups have, like “ship a bunch of pizzas to my good friend as a joke” and “escape quicksand.” Will probably be stuffed with issues like “name a health care provider’s workplace to argue a few invoice from six months in the past” and “ship that PDF to that man.”
To metal myself for this tedium, I make my excellent cup of espresso and pair that with the breakfast of kings: two items of sourdough toast, every topped with a skinny layer of Nutella. Then I sit down at my kitchen desk, open my laptop computer, and enter a fugue state.
A number of hours later, all of the boring duties have been accomplished. I’ve been sitting in the very same spot for a number of hours and I really feel gross — like once you first step out of a automobile after an extended street journey. To shake off this sense, I’m going for a three-mile run. Once I’m completed, I ship a textual content to a gaggle of associates, reporting my accomplishment. My good friend Shermaine sends again an image of my face photoshopped onto the duvet of Observe journal. I snicker so laborious I overlook to eat lunch.
Within the night, my son and I are invited to my good friend Miwa’s home for a pizza occasion with a number of different households. Miwa is a flawless host, so she has ordered my son’s favourite sort of pizza: sausage and pineapple. I remorse to tell you that it’s scrumptious. I arrive ravenous and eat approach an excessive amount of pizza, approach too quick. A basic mistake that I’ll make over and over till I die. (From consuming approach an excessive amount of pizza, approach too quick.)
Tuesday, February 11
At the moment is an enormous day. I lead the Fifth-Grade Guide Membership at my son’s elementary college, and our month-to-month assembly is that this morning at 7:30 a.m. I convey snacks to every assembly as a result of I really feel strongly that any youngster who reads a complete additional e book, after which reveals up earlier than college to speak about it, deserves snacks. At the moment, I convey two containers of raspberry rugelach and a bag of mandarin oranges.
Getting out the door by 7:30 a.m. is hard enterprise, even for me. I make one other fast (and excellent!) cup of Cafe Bustelo. Then I eat three spoonfuls of cottage cheese straight out of the container, like a stereotype of a busy mother.
This month’s e book is Faker, by Gordon Korman. It’s a few child whose dad is a con artist and the child’s realization that his dad is unethical. At the moment in Guide Membership, one boy raises his hand and says, “I believe the true victims on this e book aren’t the individuals who fell for the dad’s scams. The actual sufferer is the primary character, as a result of his dad taught him that scamming folks is okay.” Whereas nodding, I pop a number of rugelach into my mouth.
Within the afternoon, I do extra boring grownup issues like “go to the dermatologist” and “remedy.” Then I head again dwelling, the place I eat a fennel pork sausage on a brioche bun and three mandarin oranges.
I’m Puerto Rican, and an enormous approach that I join with my tradition is thru meals. Tonight, I resolve to attach via empanadas and rice. I begin by making a batch of picadillo, a conventional ground-beef dish that’s used as empanada filling. Then I defrost a pair packs of Goya frozen empanada shells. Subsequent, my son and I sit down on the kitchen desk and stuff the empanadas. (As a result of he’s 11, he’s nonetheless prepared to do issues like this with me. I’m assuming such a bonding will finish the second puberty hits.) As soon as they’re stuffed, we brush the empanadas with egg wash, sprinkle sugar on them, and pop them within the oven. Whereas they’re baking, I make some arroz con gandules, a magical Puerto Rican mixture of rice, pigeon peas, and pleasure. Throughout COVID, whereas everybody else was making sourdough, I taught myself find out how to make arroz con gandules. It stays one among my higher life decisions.
When dinner is prepared, my son and I sit down with massive bowls of meals and play a sport of Battleship. I win, however that’s not vital. (It’s crucial.)
Wednesday, February 12
I begin immediately by making a batch of cinnamon rolls. Not the type you make from scratch, the type you make from a type of tubes that opens with a satisfying pop. They prove completely, in the best way that solely processed meals can. I’ve a annoying assembly this morning, so I take into consideration what I wish to say within the assembly whereas sipping yet one more excellent espresso made with my Melitta 1-Cup Pour-Over Espresso Brew Cone. (Is it me or is the title getting longer?)
Within the afternoon, I’ve plans to choose up a good friend from the hospital after she undergoes an outpatient surgical procedure. There isn’t a precise finish time for the process, so I’ll need to spend a while within the foyer simply hanging out and ready. Certainly one of my biggest fears in life is being trapped someplace with out meals. So I throw a number of snacks in my bag. Then, proper earlier than I depart, I panic and throw in a number of extra. (This can be a lifelong observe of mine. I’ve taken granola bars to the Emmys.) I arrive on the hospital and my good friend is able to go quarter-hour later. I’ve eaten all of the snacks.
For dinner, I meet my good friend Rachel at Gertrude’s in Fort Greene. Rachel and I had been superb associates in third grade and rode the bus collectively day-after-day. Then her household moved away and we by no means noticed one another once more. Final 12 months, I used to be grabbing a drink in Brooklyn and felt a faucet on my shoulder. I circled and there was Rachel! We’ve been hanging out ever since, however as a substitute of on a bus now we do it at eating places.
Tonight we’re at Gertrude’s as a result of we each love its Soiled Gertie — a martini with dill aquavit and pickle brine. We order a spherical and resolve to share the half-chicken with roasted apples and the Gertrude’s Burger with shoestring fries. We’re supplied the choice to make the burger “Reuben model” and we settle for. Solely an insane particular person would flip down the chance to take a daily, on a regular basis object and Reubenize it. Oops, the martinis go down in a short time, so we order a second spherical. I inform Rachel about my annoying assembly, and she or he nods with a stage of understanding you possibly can solely get from somebody you’ve ridden the bus with.
Thursday, February 13
I’ve an appointment very first thing within the morning to enroll in TSA PreCheck — an errand I’ve been pushing aside because the invention of human-powered flight. I arrive at my native Staples, ready to attend in line for hours, and am completed in seven minutes. I can not imagine how lengthy I put that off. In case you are additionally at the moment pushing aside signing up for TSA PreCheck, do it now.
To reward myself for finishing yet one more grown-up job, I head to my favourite bagel store. This place is a basic New York institution; it serves wonderful meals — and it appears just like the Well being Division ought to shut it down instantly. The bagels listed here are so good and there’s all the time a line out the door on weekends. And the place is so soiled that if a rat walked out of the again and took my order, I might not blink. (I’m deliberately not mentioning this place by title in case anybody from the Well being Division is studying.) I order a plain bagel with egg and bacon.
I eat the bagel as I stroll to my subsequent cease, a espresso store referred to as Cuppa Hive. At Late Evening With Seth Meyers, we’re emailed a collection of monologue-joke setups every morning, after which we add punch traces to these setups. That’s what I’m right here to do that morning. I order a flat white with entire milk, open my laptop computer, crack my knuckles, and settle in. I really like monologue jokes a lot — they someway handle to speak each a punch line and a perspective in simply two sentences. They’re sharp and economical and generally even transferring. They’re the haiku of comedy. Late Evening has 5 devoted monologue writers, and collectively they crank out roughly 200 jokes a day. The present’s head author chooses ten or so for that night time’s monologue. With these odds, it’s not unusual to write down an enormous pile of jokes and have none of them chosen for that night time’s present — which is strictly what occurs to me immediately. Listed here are three of my jokes that ended up within the trash:
Amid rising costs, some New York bodegas are reportedly promoting “free” eggs. Additionally promoting free eggs: fertility clinics.
A lady gave start yesterday in a New York subway automobile. Even crazier — nobody supplied her a seat.
A statue of creator F. Scott Fitzgerald was lately stolen from exterior a college in Minnesota. And I believe everyone knows the place they discovered it. (PIC: THAT STATUE SITTING AT A BAR)
After writing my little comedy haikus, I head dwelling for lunch. I’m keen about cereal, and my favourite cereal of all time is Waffle Crisp — a meals so excellent it’s not obtainable in all markets. I at the moment have one (1) field of it in my home, and that’s as a result of I ordered that field on-line. My dedication to this cereal is aware of no bounds. I eat one bowl of it and inform myself I’m completed. Then I snicker and pour a second bowl.
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