Illustration: Sarah Kilcoyne
After coming off of the press tour for Benito Skinner’s comedy collection Overcompensating, comic and patron saint of homosexual guys Mary Beth Barone has been again to engaged on stand-up. The break from the stage was good, nevertheless it was time to return. “As soon as I haven’t achieved stand-up for a sure period of time, I’ll begin having desires — effectively, I suppose nightmares — the place I’m onstage and I can’t keep in mind any of my jokes,” she says. “That’s normally once I understand it’s time to get again on the market.” Amid the highs of working her new hour and testing out a range speak present at Cherry Lane, she’s additionally been pushing towards the lows of eating-disorder restoration, a subject she is making a degree to debate transparently. “I don’t thoughts being sincere. It’s a actually onerous time proper now,” she says. Nonetheless, she’s discovering the humor the place she will when detailing what the within of her mind seems to be like. And it helps that she and her nutritionist get alongside: “If I didn’t like her, it will be rather a lot simpler to be like, ‘Effectively, I’ve nobody to do that for.’”
Disclaimer: This text explores delicate features of consuming dysfunction restoration.
Monday August 4
It’s the busiest week I’ve had all summer season. I’m doing my new stay present, Mary Beth’s New York, at Cherry Lane Theatre tonight, working my hour at Union Corridor tomorrow, headlining Irving Plaza on Thursday, after which working my hour at Union Corridor once more on Saturday earlier than I go away for every week in L.A.
Reveals give me an excuse to skip dinner. My consuming dysfunction loves that. My nutritionist hates it. Someplace between my relationship ending, having a tv present come out, and my dad dying, I misplaced management of my management points. My particular “sophisticated relationship with meals” started in school and has gone by means of completely different phases. That is by far the worst it’s ever been. I don’t have meals guidelines. I don’t weigh myself obsessively. I don’t examine my physique within the mirror. I take the extra easy method by making a reward system in my thoughts. Limiting meals as a lot as attainable means I’m in management. A lot is out of my management, however not this. To publicly chronicle every week of my meals consumption beneath these circumstances feels reasonably psychotic.
I pull myself away from bed at 8:30 a.m. for my morning stroll with my canine, Pinky. As we speak, we journey to Paloma, the additional of my two favourite espresso outlets, in Greenpoint. It is a risk-filled journey because the neighborhood is crawling with individuals I slept with in my 20s. I dread seeing all of them aside from one. Fortunately, he’s the one I see essentially the most; I’ve identified him since elementary college. We stumble upon one another about as soon as per week — not restricted to this stroll. We had been truly within the safety line subsequent to one another at La Guardia final month. If this had been a rom-com, we’d find yourself collectively. This specific Monday I make it to Paloma with zero run-ins.
My order is all the time an iced oat-milk latte, even within the winter. I can by no means wait lengthy sufficient for decent drinks to chill off. My mouth is a vital factor of what I do professionally, and I have to maintain it secure.
I wish to begin the week off robust and make my nutritionist, Kristy, proud. I believe a bagel from Leon’s will just do that. Kristy loves carbs. We textual content all through the day, each day, about what I’m planning to eat or have eaten. She says with my lack of urge for food, along with grieving on high of the efficiency schedule, we’ve to be hypervigilant this week so we don’t undo the progress we’ve made.
Leon’s is a gap within the wall on Bedford with actually scrumptious bagels and glorious branding. The branding is so good, in truth, I did some analysis when it first opened to verify it wasn’t owned by a hedge fund or Monsanto or one thing else evil. (It’s not.) I get my common: a gluten-free all the things bagel toasted with egg, bacon, and capers. I’m able to eat half and I textual content Kristy about it.
Round 2 p.m., I resolve it’s most likely time to eat once more. That’s coming from my logical thoughts quite than a physiological need. I’m feeling bold whereas Pinky and I stroll to Jack’s Spouse Freda. The unique Jack’s Spouse Freda was close to my outdated workplace within the Puck Constructing. Once I was 20, I dropped out of school, moved to New York, and acquired an e mail job. I don’t miss being 20, however I undoubtedly ate extra once I was 20. I get a Greek salad with rooster and fries, which I choose at till I settle for defeat, field it up, and go dwelling.
Whereas I’m preparing for my present within the early night, I promise my nutritionist that I’m going to have somebody on the venue order me a full meal for dinner, however then I don’t do this. I’m distracted within the greenroom, chatting and laughing with the visitors who we’ve invited to carry out on the present: Brian Derrick, Liza Treyger, Sydnee Washington, Aaron Jackson, and George Civeris (who additionally helped me write the present).
Mary Beth’s New York is chaotic and humorous, and I really feel pleasure for nearly a full 20 minutes after it’s over. Having different comedians onstage that you simply belief creates an area the place you may actually have enjoyable and say something. Once I began comedy, there have been a variety of locations for comedians to do ensemble exhibits like this and I’d watch in awe from the viewers. There have been a variety of theater closures since then, and it looks like most of these exhibits went away with them.
Once I get dwelling, I eat the second half of the Leon’s bagel earlier than I stroll to the bodega for a lemon La Croix and a Liquid Loss of life. The attractive summer season air fills me up. Sadly, that doesn’t rely as a meal.
Tuesday August 5
I enable myself to sleep in a little bit at present earlier than getting espresso at my different spot, Honeybird, round 10 a.m. I like the baristas in each of my common espresso outlets equally. Deciding which one to go to within the morning is predicated on a mixture of climate and vibes.
Latte in hand, I take Pinky to one among my favourite breakfast spots within the neighborhood, Egg Store. The door at Egg Store is the heaviest I’ve ever encountered, to the purpose the place I generally order supply simply to keep away from the humiliation of struggling to open it. Currently, the Carnitas Chilaquiles has been my go-to. Whereas I transfer meals round within the bowl, I get a DM from a good friend who asks if I’d wish to go on a date along with his brother who has good bone construction. I say sure. The brother texts me and we notice we are going to each be in Park Slope later.
To prep for my 10 p.m. present at Union Corridor, I run the set out loud for Pinky in my house. Every time I don’t run it at dwelling, I want I had. This may take some time as a result of it’s a 20-page Google Doc. I additionally hydrate, a fragile apply on present day: sufficient to keep away from a dry throat, however not a lot that I really feel I’ve to pee whereas on stage.
I snack briefly on some chocolate-covered gluten-free pretzels from Brooklyn Harvest earlier than I’ve to depart for soundcheck. Once more, I inform my nutritionist I’m going to eat an actual meal and once more, I don’t. I really feel pathetic. Having an consuming dysfunction whereas totally conscious of all the explanations I shouldn’t have one might be extremely irritating. It looks like I’m arm wrestling with myself. Both method, I lose.
The present goes effectively however I keep away from texting Kristy as a result of I didn’t eat. And as a substitute of grabbing a late chew after, I meet up with my good friend’s brother at Excessive Dive across the nook from Union Corridor. He’s visiting from L.A., the place the common lead time for a date is three-to-six weeks, so I do that partially to show New York’s superiority. If two individuals went on a same-day date in L.A., it will be written about within the papers. I get a ginger ale, which I persuade myself is definitely progress? As a result of sugar? I nearly end the entire glass whereas we sit in a sales space chatting till 2:30 a.m.
Wednesday August 6
I’m groggy for my morning stroll to Paloma. I’ve to rush dwelling as a result of on Wednesdays, I’ve remedy on Zoom and I have to eat one thing, particularly in mild of the day prior. Ten minutes earlier than remedy begins, I prepare dinner scrambled eggs, gluten-free toast, and ham. One benefit of having an consuming dysfunction is your therapist can by no means make you’re feeling dangerous about consuming throughout a session.
Realizing I’ve dinner plans that night time with my mates Kyra and Elana, I carry out the psychological gymnastics required to not eat a lot for the remainder of the day. No stress, you’ll be having a full meal later! Someday within the afternoon, I stroll to Doughnut Plant on Bedford and eat half a gluten-free Marcona almond donut. The opposite half goes within the fridge for safekeeping.
I meet Kyra and Elana at DOC Wine Bar, the place it looks like Europe as a result of it’s an Italian restaurant and they’re enjoying weird acoustic and techno covers of Prime 40 songs. Kyra and Elana simply acquired again from their honeymoon in Ibiza, so this can be a acquainted soundtrack. All of us get pasta. I get the one with shrimp, Kyra will get the lasagna, and Elana will get the Malloreddus. We discuss shedding mother and father, shedding mates, and shedding pounds. We chuckle rather a lot, too. I really feel like a little bit child once I report back to Kristy that I ate all of my pasta. Tonight, as a substitute of arm wrestling, I give that little child a hug.
Thursday August 7
From the second I get up, nerves course by means of me as my physique prepares to headline Irving Plaza tonight. I’ve a quick panic assault earlier than I stroll to satisfy my good friend Meg Stalter for brunch at Le Crocodile. I miss my Dad and I really feel alone. Meg is on the town for work and seeing her immediately calms me.
Meg makes me chuckle a lot. Now we have rather a lot to atone for, so even supposing this restaurant is superb, the meals is secondary. The waitress comes as much as our desk 4 instances earlier than we’re in a position to cease speaking lengthy sufficient to truly take a look at the menu. I order the omelette au fromage — spinach as a substitute of cheese — with petite salade, and we get some fries to share. Sharing fries with an outdated good friend when you gossip is bliss.
I’m too anxious concerning the present later to eat the rest. I do know I’m ready as a result of I’ve been working my hour at Union Corridor continuously, nevertheless it’s the largest viewers I’ve ever achieved the set for. Individuals have paid to come back and see me carry out, and I take that very critically.
I ship a voice observe to Kristy about how I’m feeling like I can’t get forward of my restoration. She sends me one again, saying precisely what I would like to listen to. “It’s okay. Simply do the most effective you may and be straightforward on your self. I do know this can be a demanding time.”
I arrive at Irving Plaza for sound verify. My greatest good friend, Jake, is with me. Sydnee Washington and Nico Carney, my shut mates and dream openers, are there quickly after. The nerves have nearly fully taken over at that time, and I am going nonverbal. I power down six tortilla chips and a bottle of Poland Spring. Sydnee and Nico Carney all the time kill, and tonight isn’t any exception.
As quickly as I step foot onstage, the nerves are gone. The roar of the group provides me full-body chills, and the present goes so effectively that I can’t even put my common pessimistic spin on it. Within the cab dwelling, Jake asks me if I’m hungry. After all I’m. We lament the closure of our favourite neighborhood taco spot, Border Burrito, earlier this 12 months as we take a look at the abysmal supply choices. We rigorously calculate the dangers and rewards of getting tacos from the truck on the nook of Bedford and seventh. The danger, as with all greasy meals truck, can be getting sick. The reward: scrumptious tacos. Very compelling. We finally resolve to get them.
Jake and I stroll again to our constructing. Jake carries each bouquets of flowers I used to be given on the present (one despatched by my good friend’s brother [classy], one hand delivered by a homosexual man on the present [as God intended]). We sit on my flooring and gab whereas I efficiently end 4 al pastor tacos from the truck. I really feel full from the nourishment of the meals, the present, and seeing my good friend. I proudly share this replace with Kristy. We’ll take the win, even when it’s only for one night time.
Within the U.S., the Nationwide Alliance for Consuming Issues helpline might be reached at 866-662-1235.
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